McSweeney's Perfect Definition of What I've Become

YOU LOOK AT ME LIKE
YOU’VE NEVER SEEN
A NEO-HIPSTER BEFORE.


BY JACOB PACEY

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Hey guys, long time no see, toss me a PBR—actually, better make it a Coors Light. I know, I look different, but before you all start saying how I look like some midtown suit, let me explain. I haven’t gone pleb on you, I’m actually a neo-hipster now. It’s basically where you’re a hipster, but since hipsterism has gone so mainstream you dress and act like a regular person, ironically.

It’s like this. In the morning when I wake up, I’ll put on a pair of skinny jeans and a Sonics t-shirt—but then when it’s time to go out, I’ll ironically slap on a pair of runners, some blue jeans, and a no-name golf shirt I ironically bought at Target. And those thick-rimmed glasses I used to wear? I still wear them in my house, but I got them changed to a zero prescription since I recently ironically got laser eye surgery.

I still listen to good music, though. The Decemberists, Dirty Projectors, Nouvelle Vague, Beirut, Belle and Sebastian, Tears for Fears. I listen to all of them—in my house. When I leave my house though, I usually don’t bother bringing my iPod and instead I just put on the radio in my car and kind of just listen to whatever’s popular—but I do it ironically. You should have seen how people looked at me the other day when I was parking my Focus blasting that new Linkin Park song from the Transformers soundtrack. They totally didn’t get it.

Oh, yeah, and that nine-to-five job I have at that marketing agency? I totally just got that so I could work there ironically. It’s just like working at a record store or bagging groceries, but I make better money doing it. Don’t worry though, I’ve been spending all that extra money super-ironically. Just the other week, I ironically invested in some low-risk mutual funds. What a gas!

I’m also dating a lawyer who works on the floor above me, she’s really great, you guys would like her—but you’ll have to meet her some other time, she wouldn’t be caught dead in a bar like this. No, I’m still with Sophie, she knows I’m just dating the suit ironically, we’re getting married after she finishes her PhD in mid-20th century early feminist literature. She wanted to do something new age, or have an outdoor wedding, but I thought it would be way more ironic if we just had a traditional ceremony in a church. Oh man, it’s going to be such a statement!

I hope it all makes sense now, I don’t want you guys thinking that all it took was a nice pair of properly fitting jeans, a job that pays over 20k a year and a few dates with a woman in a pantsuit for me to completely sell out. The reality is just that I’ve reached a new level of meta-irony that will take you awhile to understand, that’s all.

So, let’s order some food shall we? Does this place accept American Express? I’ve recently started ironically collecting Air Miles. It’s a thing.